Happy Tears?

Tonight as I was sending June to bed, we had this conversation:

June: Don't you get tired at this time of night? (Around 9:00pm)

Me: Yep.

June: Then why don't you go to bed too?

Me: Oh, trust me, I would love to. But this is the only time I have to do things for myself. During the day if there is a choice between playing with you guys and reading a book per se, I usually choose playing with you, or helping you with something, like reading or piano. So instead of going to bed, I usually catch up on stuff for me. If there wasn't that stuff, I would definitely go to bed, because I loooooove to sleep.

She looked down at the ground, and I could see that she was getting sad. That surprised me so I asked her what was wrong. As the tears leaked out, I said:

Me: What is with the tears? Why are you sad?

June: These are happy tears. I'm happy that you choose to play with us.

Me too. Me too.

Granted, I choose to clean a lot too, which is less fun for them, but I do try to spend a little quality time with each child every day. Sometimes I feel the lonely ache of not having so much 'me-time' anymore. But evenings are good for sneaking in some reading or getting a project done. And too soon they will all be in school and all that free time will drown me if I look back and realize I have no relationship with my children.

Some people feel they didn't choose to be a mother whereas I chose deliberately. But that doesn't matter, because every day you have the opportunity to choose again. And today and the next day I hope I choose to be a mother.