The Parable of the Rice

Guest blogger, Raging Stallion here, with an uplifting little story about progress and triumph.

The first thing I learned to cook was chili. To be clear, this wasn't homemade chili, this was chili out of a can. I'm quite certain my mother thought I'd burn, shred, chop, chip, melt, liquefy, or otherwise corrupt anything more complicated. There were a few simple steps:

1. Confidently sever the top from the can (using an electric can opener that Maleen had trouble operating for years) 
2. Plop [dog food like] contents out of the can into the pan
3. Turn on the electric stove with the cleverly engineered push and twist stove top burner system
4. Wait for the chili to burn onto the bottom of the pan

So, I proudly declared myself to be a cook after completing step four and filling the house with acrid spicy bean smoke. That's how my cooking career began.

It got better...sort of.

In the years since, I wouldn't boast that I've become a chef, unless it's chicken on the grill — and then I'm an artist. I've learned to cook a few things, and they're actually edible! Maleen has taken the role of head chef at Ristorante Cazier. I still cook from time to time, but there's a reason Maleen's head chef.

Once upon a time in the early years of our marriage, Maleen asked me to make a certain dish. It wasn't complex or exotic so she figured I could handle it. I don't recall the entire meal. It was to use rice as a base, with a sauce over top and some veggies on the side. I mixed the water with the rice and put it on the stove and then concentrated on the sauce - it was the hardest thing, and thus deserved my time and attention.

The sauce worked out well.

The veggies were steamed well.

But the rice was crunchy and nasty.

Maleen found the meal rather humorous. How could someone work through a complex sauce and have it turn out perfectly, and FAIL to make rice, the most basic food in the world?

During my time with Maleen, I've built many skills, but despite multiple attempts, stove-top rice remains on the "I should be better at this" list.

I've made it crunchy. I've made it sticky. I've made it dry. I've made it soggy. There have been a few times where it came out edible, and I thought I'd mastered it...until the next time I made rice.

Until 2019.

This year, a weak thing became strong unto me.

I was one day walking through the aisles of Walmart, and I betook myself to careful study and quiet contemplation. From the depths of my mind rose a recollection of the terrible rice I had made and served to my children, and it was made known unto me that this thing should not be. In the midst of the cookware aisle, I found a box labeled "Rice Maker" and I knew that I had been guided there for the safety and wellbeing of my family. I returned with my goods to the house of my children. Maleen, my wife, was beset with the work of curry, and I knew what I must do. I stood forth and held out my hand and commanded that she make not the rice, for I had seen a vision, and I knew that I must make rice.

Despite the history of terrible rice making, and despite my general culinary ineptitude; I found that not only did I make edible rice using the rice cooker that had been revealed to me, I made excellent rice, and I have several times now. I have yet to screw up the rice!

I believe the days of not being able to make rice are behind me.

And so, when you're wondering about your skills and if you can do something that you are certain you should be able to do, remember this small story, and remember that if you work on it hard enough, and think about it long enough, eventually you'll find a great way to cheat.

The "Majestic Pot" as I call it. It ain't no "Instapot" but I get along ok. Now, my rice is...well...majestic.

I heard this the other day, so I figured on end on it:

I opened my birthday card and rice poured out everywhere. It was from Uncle Ben.