Light Bulbs that last FOR-E-VER!

When I was ten, our home received a telephone call. I attended the phone and had my first telemarketing experience. (Unfortunately, it wouldn't be my last...) The person asked for Barry—my Dad—but he wasn't available. I told him that Dad wasn't available and that he'd have to call back. “Do you make decisions in the home?” he asked. I thought for a moment. Well, I chose what cereal to have this morning. I chose what I put on... “Yes,” I responded, “I make decisions.” 14 days later I got to explain to my Dad why a crate stacked five feet high with light bulbs had arrived via UPS at our front door. I've been leery of telemarks ever since.

Regrettably the above story will, no doubt, cause great laughter at my expense in some homes. That's okay, because I laugh at it too.

Now on to what I wanted to write about: light bulbs. “But!” you say, “you already told me a story about light bulbs, Tyler!” That's true, oh but there's more!

Being the ultra fiscal conservative that I am, I told Maleen that we're not going to waste money on these blasted 19th century technology incandescent light bulbs. No, no! We're going to use these new-fangled save-energy 'cause they're so efficient, last-for-11-years (it says so on the box), spiral micro florescent bulbs. Ya, baby! Not only do I not have to pay my electric man so much, but I don't have to buy light bulbs NEARLY as often. Score—I'm getting the best of both worlds, right?

Wrong.

Just for clarification, here's the box. Note it actually says, "Lasts 11 Years." Also notice, "This 2-pk will save $112." My box actually says, "$184." Ha!


On 22 April 2008, I bought 7 packages at $7.98 per package of 2, plus tax—that's 14 light bulbs for the amazing low price of: $4.24 per light bulb. My afore-mentioned fiscally conservative self cringed, but, “Hey, they're going to save me money in the long run and I'm doing my part to save the planet.”

And now we pause this story for a short outburst from my non-environmentalist self: “Earth first, we'll take the rest later.”

Meanwhile, back in our story, I was trying to lull my fiscal side into a state of carnal security. But Nephi knew even before there were light bulbs that such “carnal security” was not brought about from a trustworthy source. “And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well—and thus the devil cheateth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.” (2 Nephi 28:21). Hell is not lit by Sylvania light bulbs, I'll tell you that right now...or maybe it is.

Tonight I put in the last of those 12,000-hour light bulbs. Sometime in my skeptical past, I suspected that twelve thousand hours weren't transpiring between replacements—so I started time-stamping each of my light bulb replacements with the replacement date. The one I replaced tonight was dated 9 Dec 2008. That's 33 days. 792 hours (if you count today and I think it was out last night), or just 6.6% of its rated life. Considering that the school system doesn't claim you're passing until 60%, I'd say this one gets a solid F.




Here's a picture of our light fixture. Not very interesting, I know, until you notice there are incandescent bulbs next to our new-fangled... bulbs. These 19th-century technology, regular, eco-hater bulbs literally came with the house when we built it...over 5 YEARS AGO! Funny thing: they're still lit. The one on the right, replaced at least twice.

Fourteen light bulbs installed. Yes, fourteen. By my crude reckoning, thirteen of those replaced other “new-fangled save-energy 'cause they're so efficient, last-for-11-years (it says so on the box), spiral micro florescent bulbs.” And it AIN'T BEEN NO 11 YEARS, SYLVANIA!!

Worst. Light Bulbs. Ever.

Do not buy this product. 0 stars. I am unhappy. I think I'll send a copy of this post to their world headquarters with a steaming bag.

Ah, now that I've got that out of my system; I no longer have any back up light bulbs. Does anyone have a reliable suggestion for GOOD light bulbs?

*sigh* I feel better.