. . . Oh, and a Slice of Cheese.

We went to Costco yesterday while Robyn was attending a birthday party at Pirate Island. So, blog post on hold for just a second: have you been to Pirate Island? It's like Disneyland crammed into a strip mall! Pretty dang cool if you ask me. And blog post off hold.

While Robyn was in the party, the rest of the family went to Costco to get some grocery items and dinner. (Yes, we're one of THOSE families.) Our grocery run was pretty speedy, and soon enough we found ourselves in line at the checkout. Maleen told me that we could pay for our grub right there in the checkout line. This is a foreign concept to me. It just doesn't feel right.

Now keep in mind that since Lethal Weapon II came out, I can count on one hand how many times I've been through the drive through. Leo's right, when you go through the drive through, they win. (You can watch the clip here, but be warned: it has explicit language in it. What? This was back in my apostate days!)

And if I won't go through a drive through, you know I can't order food at the check register! But Maleen's into this, so she places the order: "Ya, we'll have a polish dog, a hot dog, pepperoni pizza . . ." The guy at the register butts in: "A slice right?" Maleen: "Yes. By the slice. And a supreme pizza. . . Oh, and a slice of cheese."

Now this was news to me: I didn't know you could order a slice of cheese at Costco. "They do that?" I thought to myself. "Weird." It also seemed an odd request—I couldn't think of which dish this particular side would go with. And man! $1.99 for a slice of cheese! What a rip-off! But I wasn't about to question the pregnant lady! If she wants a slice of cheese with her supreme pizza, go for it. I'm not going to stand in the way. You husbands know what I'm talking about.

So Maleen herds the children over to the table and starts setting them up for the onslaught of chow. She hands me the receipt and directs me to the pick up window. Pick up window? What about the line of people going through, who haven't reached the pick up window? She pointed again to the pick up window, and again I did not argue.

When it was my turn, the guy behind the window says, "Okay what 'ev ya got?" I tried to respond like I knew what I was doing that this was old hat for me: "Ya, I've got a Polish (never use the whole word when an abbreviation will do—especially when you're trying to fit in), a hot dog, a pepperoni, a supreme, oh, and a slice of cheese." I enunciated rather particularly on this one, as if I didn't want him to get it wrong. "Slice of cheese, you do that right?" I repeated almost at a whisper, painstakingly pronouncing each syllable and opening my eyes as wide as they would go. After such elocution and emphasis I scrunched up my nose and added a knowing nod with a little cheek grin.

The guy looked at me like I was recently graduated from a special school then went off to get my order.

When he returned he rattled off the order as he gave me each plate: "One Polish dog. One hot dog. A slice of pepperoni. A slice of supreme. And last, but not least, a slice of cheese. He too had learned the knowing nod and cheek grin. He was very careful to enunciate properly as he handed me the slice of cheese pizza.

I accepted the plate and threw my head back at an awkward angle, focusing my eyes in space, and moving my pupils as if I were reading some invisible sign on a 45-degree angle over his head. "This was not a slice of cheese," I mumbled to myself. "This is a slice of cheese pizza." Quickly my mind started jumping hurdles and replaced the picture of golden cheddar sliced at about 1/8" inch thick, with a greasy triangle of bread laden with molten cheese. My brain kicked me (as if IT knew and I was just this sod thinking of dairy!)

When the slice of cheese pizza finally pushed aside the extremely vivid slice of exorbitantly priced cheddar, I looked back at the person behind the window. He was actually holding his belt, waiting for me to get out of the way, but too courteous to say anything.

I won't tell you how I felt after that. I think you all know. I'll just shut up now. Anyone for a slice of cheese?